It's All A Bit Batty
by Winnebagels
Summary: I couldn't sleep, so I started work on this. I'm working with solid prose for the first time so be gentle. The crew in the Batman Universe. Rated M just in case.
1. Chapter 1

Everything's Coming Up Batty

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Episode 1 – Commissioner Evanz

It is a dark and stormy night in Gotham city. Commissioner Evanz is sitting at his desk, straightening his peach fuzz mustache with coconut hair gel and a minicomb.

A model train choo choos its way through a rock tunnel on his desk. It carries plastic coal round and round in little plastic circles.

A pale, spindly man in blue rapps his fist against the glass door. The Punguin had been found just outside the Gotham Zoo, bataducttaped to a statue. He is waiting for Commissioner Evanz in Interrogation Room 6.

Commissioner Evanz thanks the man and sends him back to his station by the water cooler.

"It's going to be a long night," Evanz sighs to himself as he places the minicomb back within the folds of his overcoat.


	2. Chapter 2

It's All A Bit Batty

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Episode 2 – The Punguin

Joshua Copernicus Bellington is handcuffed to a dirty metal chair in a police interrogation room. He is upset.

They had taken his umbrella. Who does that to an old man? They should be ashamed. There's no respect for anyone these days. Didn't they know who he was? Didn't they know what he was?

That's the problem with children. They are far too feeble to work and far too uppity to listen.

And that silly little boy, walking around in tights and taping old men to statues. He was the worst of them all.

A short little man in a trench coat and a ridiculous mustache sat across from him. He is asking him questions about the clown. He didn't know anything about that circus jockey. That man wasn't in his pay scale, let alone his address book.

No this just isn't how it's done at all. He just wants to pay his fine for public indecency and leave. He just wants his umbrella back. It is such a nice umbrella.

He hoped it wouldn't be a large fine. It wasn't as if he had done anything criminal. He hadn't shown those birds anything they hadn't seen thousands of times before.


	3. Chapter 3

It's All A Bit Batty

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Episode 3 – Commissioner Evanz

"If you work with me here Punguin, I can work with you. Do you understand?" questioned Commissioner Evanz.

Joshua Copernicus Bellington plays with the gold chain at the end of his pocket watch.

Commissioner Evanz slams Punguin's pocket watch into the table, breaking the glass in his hands.

"Dammit man! Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

The Punguin lifts his head to the Commissioner and contorts his face into what must have once been a smile.

"That's more like it."

"Are you owlways this angry? Seems like a lot of fuss just to get this old bird to squawk."

"Tell me everything you know about the Joker's plans for tonight, Punguin. People's lives are at stake!"

"I'm so sorry Commisioner, but that looks like my lawyer at the door, and I cannot sparrow another moment of my time. As far as this business with the Zoo goes, just be a good boy and put it on my bill."

A burly man in a three piece suit walks in, flanked by a man in blue. The man in blue frees Joshua from the handcuffs on his left hand.

"I'm not done with you Punguin."

"Well that's hawkward then, as I am done with you. Come on Bernstein, we really must flamingo."

Punguin and the burly man walk out the wooden door of Interrogation Room 6. Commissioner Evanz's open hands follow feebly after them.


	4. Chapter 4

It's All A Bit Batty

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Episode 4 – The Bat

Hollow watched The Penguin and his lawyer waltz out of the double doors of Gotham's Police Precinct. Commissioner Evanz had let him down, again.

Hollow batgrappled down to a nearby fire escape. He would follow them home. He stuck to the shadows. He was the night.


	5. Chapter 5

It's All A Bit Batty

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Episode Five – DeathToast

Mr. Flaming Toast sat perched on a roof-bound gargoyle. He was watching The Bat watch The Penguin. He was always watching.


	6. Chapter 6

It's All A Bit Batty

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Episode 6 – The Punguin

Joshua Copernicus Bellington waddles about the second story of the Iceberg Lounge, sandwiched between two beautiful blonde bimbos. The lopsided ladies giggle as he twirls his umbrella in front of him, like a helicopter. Women are so easily entertained.

The door to the balcony swings open. It was probably just the wind.

Pan Freeze stands at the bottom of the stairs with a simpleton's smirk set across his fishbowl of a face. He raises the uniforms for the Inter-villain Bowling League high above his head. Bowling was a middle class endeavor but Clayface HF kept smushing all the Polo-ready horses.

As Joshua swivels about to face the stairs, he feels a vice grip wrapping itself around his left ankle. Within moments he is hanging upside down from his own ice chandelier.

With a loud pow, Joshua's monocle is knocked to the floor. A schoolboy in tights shoves a face that is more beard than latex into Joshua's personal space.

"I'M BATMAN BITCH!"


	7. Chapter 7

It's All A Bit Batty

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Episode 7 – The Bat

The Punguin twirls like an upside down ballerina as Hollow kablooies him with another fist of justice. Punguin would tell him what he wanted to know. They always did.

Pan Freeze bull rushes the stairs, shouting about how ice it was to see him. Hollow zlonks his elbows into a nearby security guard and battathrows some battamarbles to the ground. Pan Freeze trips over himself and kracks his glass helmet on the coffee table.

"Toucan play at that game Bat" cackles Punguin as he shoots banana peels out of his umbrella.

Hollow cartwheels past the weaponized potassium and battascissors itwo more security guards.

Keeller Croc leaps from the bar and whams his drink against Hollow's skull.

Hollow back flips onto Keeller Croc's shoulders, squeezing Croc's neck with his powerful thighs. Croc claws desperately at his own face. Hollow tightens again, like a half man half boa constrictor creature.

Croc stumbles through four more security guards and a handrail, ker-splooshing into the first story ice fountain.

Hollow dusts off his shoulders before batgrappling back to The Punguin.


	8. Chapter 8

It's All A Bit Batty

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Episode 8 – Melon Ivy

Melon Ivy hides under an ice statue of two eagles fucking the sky. His eyes are bloodshot. He giggles in fits.

The man in black beats the upside down man with a law book. The upside down man flaps his arms, prepping for take off.

The eastern wall of the Iceberg Lounge gives way to a purple and green Sherman tank. A white-faced man opens the hatch and claps his hands in manic applause.


	9. Chapter 9

It's All A Bit Batty

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Episode 9 – The Punguin

Who does that damn clown think he is? Shattering a perfectly good wall like that. Walls are expensive.

"Joker." grunts the schoolboy.

"Batty baby, there you are! I've been looking everywhere," remarks the nitwit in his mother's lipstick. "Did you know the Children's Hospital doesn't validate parking?"

"What have you done?" rasps the blackened tyke.

"Oh don't be such a prude Bats. I gave them a little show is all. Laughter really is the best medicine. And I left them in stitches. Hahahaha." asserts the sideshow.

"You'll pay for this Joker," croaks the heroic half-pint.

"Oh poo. You're no fun today Bats. What's the matter?" asks the cockeyed carnie. "Run out of faces to break? Spandex rubbing you a bit too raw? Oh I know; it's past your bedtime isn't it?"

A smallish boy sporting black beard scruff and a beanie pops his head out of the hatch.

"Hahaha bedtime. That's a great one Captain J," announces the boy.

Joker slaps the boy across the face, leaving a bright red handprint in his blue makeup.

"Can't you see Jakey?" insists the lighthearted loon. "The adults are talking."

"Sorry Captain J." the boy says before climbing back into the tank.

"Now where were we?" questions the clown, "Bats? Bats, where'd you go?"

The Joker turns once again to the stairs where his face clashes with the wrong end of a spiked battaglove.


	10. Chapter 10

It's All A Bit Batty

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Episode 10 – Commissioner Evanz

Commissioner Evanz stares longingly at the model train on his desk as it chugs past a river of sticky notes. Some days, when the light was just right, he could see himself riding the tiny rails. Panhandling from town to town and smiling from ear to ear.


End file.
